Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
