I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
