I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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