i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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