He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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