If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
