Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize