If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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