She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
