he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
