Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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