I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
