Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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