Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
