my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
