Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
is it fun? or sober?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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