my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
