i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
