Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
