Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
