I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
