You're my little dorito
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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