What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
