We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
