found the other keg... it's in the tree
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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