Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
