He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
