I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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