Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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