i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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