arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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