pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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