i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
