And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
