Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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