Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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