The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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