Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize