Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
