I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
