i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize