Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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