whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
