I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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