Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
