Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
