Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
