there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
