Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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