Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
