just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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