On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
