Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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