Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
