After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
