I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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